As some of you all may know, I was diagnosed with depression formally in elementary school, and have since been on antidepressants. For those who want to know how long, I'd estimate seven years.
Started this fall, I went off them. First accidentally, (I was at college, and not keeping a schedule.) then intentionally, then accidentally-on-purpose again.
Why I went off is complicated. Clearly, I had a lot going on inside my head. But when I decide to get back on the wagon, these reasons tend to feature pretty prominently:
1. I'm sleeping a lot. Like 14 hours a day a lot. If I don't have a reason to be out of bed, I'm in it. Asleep. Also, I sometimes skip things to be asleep. So I don't have to think about them. This is neither productive nor healthy.
2. I'm less creative. Yes, I feel like I've been my most productive when I'm cutting my dose a little low. That's when I come up with the really brilliant shit, and that's when I feel the need to jolt myself with cleaning tizzys. But when I go off, I can't get motivated. I can't write anything, and I can never decide to paint or tinker or build anything, either.
3. I can't think. This one is different from above, although they sound pretty similar. I can't give myself license to think. This is a defense mechanism, that usually manifests itself as constant reading. If I can't think about reality, if I leave no room for self-reflection, I can't possibly think about suicide.
4. Lou's philosophy. That is to say, it's just another drug. Albeit a federally-controlled, prescribed substance. Hell, that makes it a relatively safe drug, by most measures. I know what I'm getting. It obviously isn't a perfect comparison by some standards, since I'm taking it to get to what most people call normal, even though it is, for all effects and purposes, given my natural biology, high. But let's be honest about this one. If I can go through life not judging other people for how they use drugs, how can I go through life judging myself for using one which enables me to function on a day-to-day basis?
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I just have to clarify my philosophy, I guess. It's just a drug like any other drug. And there's a difference between drug use and drug abuse, between getting high and living high, between safe, casual consumption of substances and addiction. If you're using a drug to function in your day to day life, that definitely pushes the latter category.
It's not like you need my approval or anything, what works for you works for you and it's none of my goddam business at all, but if you're taking my philosophy into account, I may as well keep going. You've cleared one of my problems with antidepressants, that of being a straight-edge on drugs, because you're not straight-edge anymore. And you were. At least where drugs were concerned. Anyway, that leaves the addicted-lifestyle-verus-casual-use thing, and one other. See, I don't think all drugs are equal. I see drugs in four categories. One of them is drugs that will definitely kill you, of which I disapprove heartily. Heroin, Meth... Nasty shit. I don't disapprove because they're drugs. I disapprove because they kill you. Of the three that don't, there are drugs that diversify thought and drive creativity, (mostly hallucinogens) drugs that simplify thought and quash creativity, (mostly prescription drugs) and drugs that really could give a shit, either because they produce very short-term effects or because they don't do much in terms of mind-alteration (stimulants occupy most of this list.) I expect you can tell how I feel about all three of those categories.
True, Lou. You philosophy is mare complex. I probably should take account of that.
But it's not about your approval, necessarily. It's about the struggle to accepting the fact that my prescription drugs ultimately require what would be considered an addicted-lifestyle. Are they biologically addictive? Not for me.
Psychologically? I''m more addicted to chewing my nails. Ultimately, I think it's about realizing that I have to make sacrifices in order to function productively.
It's about the fine line between simplification of though and creativeity, and being chock full of creativity, but without impetus to do anything about these ideas.
It's a difficulty that comes with facing the fact that in order to be productive, I have to structure myself into an addictive lifestyle. Which is damned hard to do, I'll note. I'm still having a hard time remembering to take my meds.
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