Antidepressants: A Reflection

As some of you all may know, I was diagnosed with depression formally in elementary school, and have since been on antidepressants. For those who want to know how long, I'd estimate seven years.

Started this fall, I went off them. First accidentally, (I was at college, and not keeping a schedule.) then intentionally, then accidentally-on-purpose again.

Why I went off is complicated. Clearly, I had a lot going on inside my head. But when I decide to get back on the wagon, these reasons tend to feature pretty prominently:

1. I'm sleeping a lot. Like 14 hours a day a lot. If I don't have a reason to be out of bed, I'm in it. Asleep. Also, I sometimes skip things to be asleep. So I don't have to think about them. This is neither productive nor healthy.

2. I'm less creative. Yes, I feel like I've been my most productive when I'm cutting my dose a little low. That's when I come up with the really brilliant shit, and that's when I feel the need to jolt myself with cleaning tizzys. But when I go off, I can't get motivated. I can't write anything, and I can never decide to paint or tinker or build anything, either.

3. I can't think. This one is different from above, although they sound pretty similar. I can't give myself license to think. This is a defense mechanism, that usually manifests itself as constant reading. If I can't think about reality, if I leave no room for self-reflection, I can't possibly think about suicide.

4. Lou's philosophy. That is to say, it's just another drug. Albeit a federally-controlled, prescribed substance. Hell, that makes it a relatively safe drug, by most measures. I know what I'm getting. It obviously isn't a perfect comparison by some standards, since I'm taking it to get to what most people call normal, even though it is, for all effects and purposes, given my natural biology, high. But let's be honest about this one. If I can go through life not judging other people for how they use drugs, how can I go through life judging myself for using one which enables me to function on a day-to-day basis?